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21st July 2015, Tue | 11:29 pm
mood: indescribableindescribable

I always tend to pop up here again in one of two modes...  "x event/activity was q. good, actually, better than I feared!" or "um I'm really not doing very well, really really not." 

Today a quick one in the first vein -- I've been in this wind quintet (just meeting to play through things, not performing or anything), taking over from their old oboist, for a while and the last few practices have been q. good actually.  I've been q. good in them, is more the wonder.  (I mean, only q. good, but definitely better than I feared and better now I've got reeds I like and my oboe fixed!  Still should, you know, practise.)

Anyway.  I was saying I needed to actually keep up my playing.  I think I put most time and effort into violin these days!

I was thinking I should get back into writing this journal, or some journal.  I mean, I was thinking this a few times over the last while and generally it's been when I'm in that other "um I'm really not doing very well" mode.

I've been ... thinking about thinking !  You know.  Thinking about wondering about why this is, like I've noticed that it's slipped into being years since I slipped out of the time when I was rejoicing in being this much more positive and free-feeling person (than I had been before that, I guess.)  Hm, it's probably not so much about analysing how I've been for years and years ago because I'm probably not remembering that all right, but.  Keeping track.  I started a big long rant, or something, about this on my kindle of all things.

I sort of feel like I need some extreme structure for this, like otherwise -- how to stop and where to start?

So if I start posting weirdly formulaic or inconsistent things, or lists or narrating my life in the third person or whatever, that's why.

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